Here’s the truth: Being a parent to young children is HARD

In the absence of consistent support the  following article rings true for far too many of us. People, we must do a better job of supporting each other with family life. Everyone needs help especially if they have elderly parents and/or young children. Let’s show up and assist regularly. We’ll all benefit as a result. All parents need help raising children. ALL OF US. It truly does take a village. Let’s get to it!

















Confronting abuse: Assisting someone with the termination of a relationship with a significant other

Mornin’ people! Unfortunately abuse/trauma is something too many of us face repeatedly in our lives.  Let’s face it. It’s rampant in our families, neighbourhoods, workplaces and so on. In my opinion it’s so common that it’s normalized. Smh. Thankfully some of us take it very seriously.  Here are some things we can all do to assist someone who has been abandoned or chosen to walk away from an abusive relationship. Take into account that the person is in a highly vulnerable place and will probably remain so for quite awhile. Take time to recognize that they are in mourning. Don’t take this lightly. SHOW UP. BE GENUINE. DO NOT ABANDON THEM. LISTEN INTENTLY.  These are things we can do to truly help when everything is fresh:

  • Try your hardest not to judge the person. Show this by saying little and being incredibly mindful of your words when you do speak. People who’ve been abused have been violated not hurt. The latter is the word many use to describe a survivor. That of and by itself can be re-traumatizing.
  • Remind the person that they do NOT deserve any of what’s gone/going on.
  • Encourage them to keep their peace AND to release whatever (mixed) emotions they are experiencing.
  • Go and see them as quickly as you can. HUG (provided a person is open to that/will find this helpful). Deep bear hugs. Be in regular contact with them.  NOTE: Some survivors of physical abuse do not want to be touched. If that is the case try your best to be respectful of this.
  • Gently ask if the person needs assistance with housing (especially if it’s a mama and child(ren). If possible offer them a room in your home  OR find somewhere safe for them to stay for an unlimited amount of time. Rent-free or at a very low cost. 
  • Support them through their emotional stages ie. depression, anger, grief, regret, shame. Know that the person may not want to leave their home for 2-3 days in order to reflect…
  • If the person doesn’t want to leave their house drop off a meal. Leave it on  their door step. Hold space for their healing. Energetically send them protective light.
  • Bless them with a few precious gifts. If they’re up for it have them over for a meal/tea or take them out for one or both. Give them things that will remind them to nurture themselves to the enth. ie. gift certificates for spas/favourite eateries/groceries, yoga classes, soothing candles, protection and love crystals, palo santo, bath salts, Rescue Remedy products, incense, calming teas, flowers, inspiring cards/magnets, beautiful clothing/jewelry etc.
  • Encourage them to smudge their space regularly and to establish clear boundaries for their own protection. At the same time relapses are real so be willing to accept that they may return to the unhealthy relationship. Accept that your relationship with them may change for better or worse and be okay with that.
  • Suggest culturally relevant counselling. In many cases this can help immensely. Consider offering to pay for at least 2-3 counselling sessions with a reputable professional who is a good fit for the survivor. If the survivor chooses to get a protection order of some sort find a way to assist them in covering the cost (in part or in full).
  • Check in with them regularly for as long as is necessary. For some that will mean a few years. Trust me.
  • Be honest with them if they are displaying self-destructive behaviors in response to the abuse.
  • If they’re a parent help them get some “me” time by offering to have their children once or twice a month. At the very least 4-5 hours each time is ideal.
  • If the person needs new accommodation assist them with finding something suitable.
  • Encourage the individual to create a moving on (possibly over a new moon) ritual so that they can comfortably release any feelings associated with the relationship.  The same occasion can be used to get rid of any belongings connected to “the ex.” If it’ll help ask if they need assistance with any of this. tears

P.S.: Remember that abuse comes in many forms. Emotional, sexual, psychological, physical, financial and so on. For those who are unaware cheating is a form of abuse.    

A dad is not a babysitter or a helper. He’s a parent.













Courtesy of Motherly, a modern lifestyle brand redefining motherhood

Minimizing screen time

Many of us are aware of the detrimental effects of too much screen time for ourselves and our children. What most struggle with is ensuring that our lifestyles actually speak to that.  I’ve also found that we must release our expectations for what our living spaces “should” look and feel like when we have small children.  Let’s accept the fact that children can be very loud and very messy. It is what it is. Remember that as they get older things will change. I find cleaning up at the end of the day works best for me. Throughout the day things can get pretty hectic with giving my daughter space to run, get dirty etc.


Nothin’ like a li’l help

It’s Thursday and it’s been crazy busy in our world! As many of you know I’ve been on a parenting book binge for a minute now. 
Main reason? I’ve come across very few people who parent in a way that truly resonates with me so books are helping immensely with my journey. For me it’s not so much about tapping into the “advice of experts” as it is learning from parents who’ve “been there, done it.” All these books are a God-send for any person who is intentionally raising their children differently from how their parents raised them.
So far I’ve read a bunch of titles. 
The following authors are by far my favourites.  The lick!
In the absence of finding a Black parenting mag I dig this one works well:
I suspect that I’m gonna dig this woman’s work too: 
Now as much as I’m raving about these books know that I’ve found some major “gaps” given that we’re a lower middle class Black family who is not American. Yes, I do my share of eye rolling (mostly when they’re talking about being non-punitive at all costs). Haha. Let’s just say that I am of the view that being stern has its place. I didn’t say violent. Withdrawing privileges? I have no problem doing that. NONE. Lol. I’m all for balance. Ma’at.   On that note does anyone know of  some gentle/positive/attachment parenting books that are directed towards us?? I am so so so so ready!  For now these groups will do:

Treat your local libraries as the treasures that they are

Recently I hit the youth library in search of yoga/mindfulness books for my daughter. Here are the ones I found. I’m loving every single last one of them. She is too. They’re right on time given our daily rhythm, what she’s open to now etc. They are immensely helpful given our lifestyle. Great compliments to which her nana gave her last month. Yay!!!! I def want all (except “Twist”) of the following for our home library. Hopefully we’ll get them this year. Pure awesomeness!
I want the whole series. 
I want this series too.

How critical is playtime in our children’s lives?

Let’s just say that it’s far more important than many of us realize. Ideally our youths would be getting 4-6 hours of unstructured outdoor play each day, however, that’s not realistic for many of today’s families. We can only do what we can right? Indoor play is important too. Sure is!


Mothers are drowning and self care is not the answer

Self care seems to be the rave and hot topic lately. Almost every major blog or website is talking about self care being the answer to many mommy problems. Somehow long baths, mani and pedis after a long day of work and/or parenting is what every mom needs to restore balance. Timelines are flooded with “advice” for those of us who are drowning in large amounts of stress, pressure and expectations.

The thing is self care doesn’t work! Now don’t get me wrong as a SAHM I love the evenings and early mornings while my kids are asleep. The stillness is amazing and does wonders. Taking baths and getting my nails done definitely relaxes me for however long they take to be completed. Self care can definitely restore the calmness that we may need for the moment. But once you set foot back into mothering, that bath doesn’t matter, those pretty nails mean nothing while you submerge them in soapy dish water and your toddler is crying for a cup of water. Self care is a temporary solution to a big problem.

Women are drowning because they lack support systems. They lack family willing to help. They lack partnerships that allow them adequate time to decompress from being a mom. Most of self care is done as an after thought. It’s done after you cook the kids dinner, after you get the kids in bed, after, after, after you do everything for everyone else.

The days of dropping your children off at your grandparents mid day to take a nap, grocery shop or just lay down are long gone. Many black grandparents work full time jobs and aren’t retired by the time they become grandparents. Many grandparents don’t even want to help or offer their children a break from parenting. And in 2019 many black mothers are deciding to sever relationships with toxic grandparents. We aren’t accepting abuse in the name of tough love, thus leaving many of us without a “village”. We then have to create them on our own. Finding families and friends we trust can be a task for some and some cultivate them easily. Some of us don’t find that village or decide to do without one.

Self care is never going to take the place of what we need. We NEED support systems more than we need baths, and manicures. Support systems allow for mothers to just take a break without having to do everything for everyone else before she can care for herself.

By all means self care is much needed especially after a long day. A village is needed so you can get a whole 24 hours off without worrying about the safety or well being of your child(ren). The mental load and emotional labor of parenting is something that has always been meant for more than one person. Mothers are not meant to be everything to everyone and doing so is killing us.