In general women are having less children than ever. That’s not necessarily a bad thing either. Let’s stop and take out time to understand why Black women, in particular those in/from the diaspora, are laying low on the mama tip. Keep in mind that our reasons are varied and rarely talked about. Do note them.
We don’t want to. Plain & simple. We recognize that becoming a mama is a very personal decision as opposed to an obligation. We are clear on what we can handle. Our bodies, our business, our choice.
We’ve had miscarriages, traumatic pregnancies/births/postpartum experiences and/or heard countless stories of other women who have.
We want enough time and energy to pursue other things beyond parenting ie. personal & entrepreneurial/professional pursuits. This includes yet is not limited to sufficient time for our own relaxation & self care, quality time with one’s children, partner & friends/family, community service, travel and so on.
We know the overall toll having multiple pregnancies/births (particularly if closely spaced) can have on our beings. General exhaustion, weight gain, teeth & bone decay, weakening of one’s eyes etc.
We are well aware of the associated costs of family life. Think: housing/real estate, quality education, healthy food, decent childcare, children’s activities, savings/investments, meaningful vacations/travel, retirement etc. Generally the aforementioned are expensive. Quality of life is very important to us so having access to these things is key.
Far too many of us lack support. Many of our relatives and friends simply don’t “show up” to assist with parenting. If they do it’s very sporadic. “It takes a village” is pure talk in many of our circles.
We have access to a range of birth control options.
We want to spend regular quality time with each one of our children. The more offspring we have the more difficult that can become.
Given our own childhood experiences some of us see children as burdens. That’s how we were treated as children so we choose not to have any.
Truth be told we are only willing to have as many children as we can handle on our own (even if we are married). This is particularly the case if we are heterosexual and attracted to Black men. We often feel that we cannot rely on our men in any substantial way. All too often they simply leave our relationships, are abusive, have mental health challenges, don’t pull their weight etc. Let’s be honest. Sometimes it’s best that we leave the relationship. Additionally Black men are often murdered or simply die “prematurely.” Big facts!
We have been in the habit of mothering other people’s children and are simply tired. The result is that we don’t want any of our own.
Often we become responsible for our aging parents. In order to do that comfortably we decide to have less children.
Happy Saturday! It’s all about balance in my world. Some days I’m more “on it” than others. Lol. Such is life. The following is a list of shows that my (almost) 5 year old daughter watches:
Little Bill
Tinga Tinga Tales
Ubongo Kids
Dora
Nyiwech & Friends
Akili & Me
Bino & Fino
Diego
Furchester Hotel
Octonauts
Sid the Science Kid
Kujo’s Kid Zone
Miss Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends
Sesame Street
Berenstain Bears
Doc McStuffins
Bert & Ernie’s Great Adventures
I’m a Dinosaur
Sesame Square
Simba, the King Lion
Elana of Avalor
Word World
Lion Guard
Land Before Time
Mouk
Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood
Nella the Princess Knight
Guess How Much I Love You
Story Cove
Dinosaur Train
These are ones she’ll probably be trying out soon:
Letting your hair do it’s thang? You may find these useful:
Eat as clean as possible. Drink plenty of water every day. As a result you shouldn’t have to wash your hair often.
Drink horsetail/nettle/rosemary tea a few times a week. Get the dried herbs in bulk and mix them together. Put the tea in a spray bottle and apply it to the hair as you feel to.
Massage your scalp daily preferably in the morning.
Get rigorous exercise at least 3-4 times a week. SWEAT!!!
Sistahs, do that womb work regularly. Womb yoga, womb dancing etc.
Try to minimize (or abandon) combing your hair. Instead finger through it to detangle.
Apply apple cider vinegar (mixed with water) to itchy scalp.
Try to wash hair without using shampoo and conditioner. Consider cleansing it with a bentonite clay solution etc. If you must use shampoos and conditioners use all natural, herbal ones.
For additional assistance read books by Lonnice Bonner. Her hair books are amazing!
Good morning folks. Do you need some temporary or long-term help with homeschooling? Not a problem. There are always individuals and institutions here to assist. Get connected if you feel to.
Children of the Sun: Afrikan-centred online classes for all ages are available based on interest in quilting and sewing; African-centered literature; African sacred sciences, Afro-American history, Spanish, French, Twi, and Swahili.
And the people stayed home. And read books and listened and rested and exercised and made art and played games and learned new ways of being and were still. And listened more deeply. Some meditated, some prayed, some danced. Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently.
And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.
And when the danger passed and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses and made new choices and dreamed new images and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed.– Kitty O’Meara
“Ihate you!” I look down at my daughter — so much red-faced anger bottled up (and now released) in her 40 pound, five-year old self — and I feel the tension drain from my body. I look up at the ceiling and take a deep breath…look back down at her…and open my arms. She runs into them and starts crying — her anger from a moment ago, dissipating into the underlying reason for this outburst. “Mommy, you hurt my feelings.” My response? “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Mommy was feeling stressed out from so many things in my head at one time, but I should have listened to you. What were you trying to tell me?”
This scene isn’t from one particular moment, but instead, highlights the ongoing cycle of emotional recognition and reconciliation that my daughter and I have been cultivating since her birth. On the surface, this moment may not seem radical. I can remember being a young Black girl, hurling angry words at my own mother. Yet, in responding to my daughter’s anger with understanding and an explanation of my own limitations (i.e., Mommy was feeling stressed), I allow her to bear witness to my humanity. In apologizing to her and being accountable (i.e., I should have listened to you — what were you trying to tell me?), I demonstrate that her feelings matter…her words matter…she matters. This is one of my birthrights to my Black daughter — a commitment to our emotional wholeness and her free expression.
As a Black woman scholar who examines positive identity development among Black girls and women, I return to these questions often, “What does it mean to be a healthy Black girl? How do we raise whole Black girls — free Black girls?” Bringing my daughter home from the hospital brought a new sense of urgency to my queries. I could not go to work every day to advocate for the holistic development of other Black girls and women, and neglect my own little girl at home. Unexpectedly, a lot of this work has involved me unlearning emotional habits that portray emotional repression as “strength” — I had to learn to be more vulnerable.
Black mothers are often the earliest, and arguably, one of the most important role models of emotional well being for their daughters. Yet, research suggests that many Black girls “have never seen their mothers cry” — one potential manifestation of the Strong Black Woman schema, a cultural trope of Black womanhood that praises Black women’s “unrelenting grace under pressure” and “ability to withstand significant adversity.” Studies are beginning to highlight how internalization of the “Strong Black Woman” stereotype has negative implications for Black women’s mental and emotional health, which may extend to Black girls’ beliefs about how to express strength and resilience. This stereotype of invincibility is one way that Black mothers may try to prepare their daughters to survive within the racist, sexist, and heteronormative cultural norms of U.S. society, but it may unintentionally hinder Black mothers’ ability to model emotional vulnerability and wellness for their girls.
In writing this piece, I spoke with Black mothers who were willing to share their journeys with emotional socialization from Black girlhood into Black motherhood. I asked them — “How did your mother model emotional wellness? How do you model it for your daughter(s)? What concerns do you have about your Black girls’ emotional wellbeing in our society?” Their responses were telling — both in their simplicity and the profundity of what they shared.
Pattie, a 29-year old mother of two girls (7 and 5 years old), reflected:
“My mom showed a range of emotions — happiness, worry, fear, sadness, and anger. She didn’t stay angry long, and she is a good listener and empathetic. But there were only a few instances when my mother cried in front of us. So when it happened, we knew it was a big deal. In my earliest memory, we had just pulled into the driveway. I was impatiently waiting to get out the car — I was like 3 or 4 — and I noticed she was crying silent tears. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me that she missed her mommy. My grandmother died in a car accident in December 1990. I was a year old, my sister was 9 years old, and my mother was a 29-year old single parent. Besides that time, she didn’t cry much. As for me, I don’t fall apart (publicly at least). I am a silent crier. I hold stuff in and try to process and “out think” my emotions — which is challenging and may not be the best way. But I also really fight against the “Superwoman” stereotype. In the words of Cardi B, I’m just a regular, degular, smegular woman — feelings, insecurities and all. I want my girls to understand that it is okay to be frustrated, mad, and upset. So when I am thinking through emotions, and my daughter asks, “What’s wrong, Mommy?” I try to tell her that I’m <insert emotion here> because of “xyz.” I want my daughters to express their feelings to me — even when my mom or an auntie might find these feelings “disrespectful.” I don’t want them to feel censored and think that certain emotions are inappropriate. I think all emotions — if you have them — are appropriate. But how you handle them is important.”
Shontay, a 30-year old mother of a 9-year old girl, shared:
“My mom had an extremely odd way of modeling emotional wellness. She hid her emotional trials and tribulations from us and encouraged us to put up a front when things weren’t the best to keep up an image of perfection. I feel like I am the picture of a strong, Black woman to most people around me, and that’s all I ever hear — mostly as a compliment. I cry in privacy, mainly in the shower. It’s hard to be vulnerable in today’s society (thanks, Ma). But I let my daughter express herself as openly as possible to me — even the bad things she may not think I approve of. I don’t make her mute herself, and we talk it out after she’s done going through the emotional part. I want her to know it is okay to feel — feelings are normal. We’ve talked about the expectations and stereotypes that society has for her and will try to force on her. I’ve given examples of times where my emotions were taken out of context and mishandled. She’s very strong-willed and passionate, so I’m certain that she will face the “angry, Black woman stereotype.” My biggest wish for her is that she remembers that other people’s projections onto her are a reflection on them, rather than her. I tell her that as long as she is Black, beautiful, and brilliant — others will try their hardest to find fault in her. I tell her — make no apologies for who you are.”
Sherrie, a 42-year old mother of two Black girls (13 and 8 years old), asserted:
“My mother didn’t model emotional wellness. She embodied the “Super Women Syndrome.” She was everything to everybody, and often neglected her own needs and wants. I grew up seeing how she reacted to stressful and challenging situations. Oftentimes, it was negative communication (e.g., yelling) and based on that, I knew to give her space. Over time, I am unlearning that and taking care of my needs. I make sure that I am okay so I can be the best me — not only for myself, but for my daughters. When I experience hardship, I push through because of them. However, this can be a double-edged sword because there are times that “pushing through” causes significant stress that impacts my relationships with others. I recognize that I have to be vulnerable. Asking for help when I need it has been a life saver for me. Knowing that I can’t be everything to everybody has been healing. I am modeling (and this is a work in progress) that it is important to express yourself in healthy ways and to make time for yourself. Owning vulnerable moments is important. I am teaching them the airplane saying, “You have to secure your own oxygen mask before you help secure others.” I want them to be able to own their feelings — whether good, bad, or indifferent. My goal is to raise healthy Black girls and it is important for me to do the work because they are watching. If I set the foundation for them in understanding who they are and loving themselves, I push back against racist and sexist messaging in society about Black girls and who they can be. I often get the question, “What do you want your girls to be when they grow up?” My response is always — to love who they are and to be happy.”
Finally, Yaya, a 53-year old mother of a 26-year old woman, expressed:
“I had to get in contact with my emotions. I didn’t allow my children to see me get upset because I had to handle everything. It was just me and them. When I turned about 40-something, I said to hell with it — I am not superwoman. I do not have to go in my room and wait until they are asleep to cry. When I fell in love with myself, that’s when I stopped caring about how everyone else felt and what everybody else thought. With my mom, we were not allowed to talk about emotions — it was just “shut the f*** up.” I believe she was like that because her great grandmother died when she was 10. My grandmother didn’t get to go to school — no one ever told her that they loved her. No one ever kissed her — so she didn’t know how to show emotions when she had my mom. I wanted to do something different. I’ve always told my children that I loved them. If there was a problem, we tried to talk it out. I allowed them to voice their opinions. With my daughter, she knows our bond is strong and we can talk about anything. I can’t talk to my mom, but my daughter and I talk about any and everything. We don’t hide from each other. I think it’s good because if she has a little girl, she can show her daughter things that I didn’t show her. She can try to improve on the emotional stuff that I didn’t do.”
Their responses highlight the intergenerational transmission of strength and emotional wellness from Black mothers to their daughters. As Sherrie says — our girls are watching us. While few in number, their stories are consistent with broader conversations on the power of Black mothering (e.g., “We Live for the We,”“Revolutionary Mothering,”“Rise up Singing,”“Mothering while Black,” and “Motherhood so White,” to name but a few). As we move forward into the next 50 years of studying Black girlhood and womanhood, we must continue to challenge harmful stereotypes about Black mothering and resilience that can undermine the development of healthy vulnerability and expressiveness in Black girls. For Black moms, this may involve freeing ourselves from unrealistic expectations of strength and emotional fortitude. As these narratives demonstrate, we are uniquely positioned to support our girls in denouncing harmful expectations of excessive care-taking, emotional repression, and an invulnerable strength that epitomizes racist and sexist expectations for Black women in U.S. society. Contemporary social media communities (e.g., Parenting Decolonized, Conscious Parenting for the Culture, and Moms of Black Daughters) highlight how Black mothers are advocating for change — both in how they think about their emotional accountability to their daughters and in how they encourage their girls to take up space in the world. In academia, this involves conscientiousness in how we depict Black women and their mothering practices, which should include being critical of the questions we ask and how we frame our results and conclusions. To what extent are we complicating, nuancing, and rendering Black mothers as fully human — both in their strengths and limitations?
For instance, in her book, Spare the Kids: Why Whupping Children Won’t Save Black America, Dr. Stacey Patton challenges us to acknowledge and address how some Black mothers inflict emotional and physical harm on their children by using corporal punishment as a form of discipline. However, rather than characterizing Black mothers as deviant and “less than,” she situates corporal punishment within a broader understanding of how Black mothers may be trying to protect their children from the violence of racism in U.S. society. As she writes, “We put Black mothers on a pedestal and hesitate to call them out because they’re holding up our families, often by themselves. We live in a society where a [Black] girl can be yanked out of her seat by her neck and tossed across a classroom by a school resource officer. But that doesn’t make it okay for her to beat the Black off us.” (p. 2–3) Most academic scholarship would stop short at — “Black mothers beat their children”— but fail to: (1) recognize the concerns that Black mothers have for their children in light of the physical violence inflicted against Black bodies in our country, (2) acknowledge that physical discipline is not inherently a Black cultural practice, and (3) overlook the myriad of other parenting practices that Black mothers employ to help raise healthy and whole Black children. We see a few examples of critical and affirming forms of scholarship on Black motherhood in the work of Drs. Marie Dow and Camille Wilson Cooper.
After apologizing to my daughter, I talk with her about the power of her words and how “hating Mommy,” may have seemed like what she meant, but that she was actually trying to tell me was something else — something even more important — that I hurt her. Equipping our Black girls with the ability to name and claim their emotions is a radical way to prepare them to thrive in U.S. society, and in many ways, it begins with our ability to name and claim our own. I have had to learn to honor my emotional growth (e.g., practicing self-compassion and allowing myself to receive support). I give myself permission to take a break when I am overwhelmed. I let myself “feel my feelings,” and not just the ones that are convenient for others. I allow my daughter to see my sadness and joy…my anger and delight. In modeling emotional vulnerability in this way, I pray that I am giving her the freedom to embrace her own.
Dr. Seanna Leath is an assistant professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Virginia. Dr. Leath’s research uses interdisciplinary approaches to understand and address issues related to the holistic development of Black girls and women in the context of families, schools, and communities. Using a resilience framework, she considers the role of social identity development on the academic and psychosocial growth and well-being of African American young adults.
Whatever you do try not to panic. You may find these videos helpful.
A friend shared this fabulous story. Obatala, the Orisha of oneness and unity in Ifa tradition ran into Sopona, the Orisha that governs smallpox, on his way to the village and asked him what he was doing and under whose instructions. Sopona told Obatala that he had instructions from Oludumare the Most High to go to the village and infect 100 people with smallpox.
Oludumare checked with Olokun to validate Sopona’s story and then allowed him passage. On his way back from the village once again Obatala interrupted Sopona on the road telling him “How come you infected 1000 people with small pox when Oludumare only instructed you to infect 100?” “Indeed” said Sopona “I did as I was instructed and infected only 100 people with the plague but the other 900 died of fear of smallpox”. The moral of the story is that fear and other emotions are as toxic or even more toxic thanviruses.Boost your immune system and don’t be like the 900. Ashe’.
Falling In Love the 1st Time: The Love that Looks Right
It’s been said that we really only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. Yet, it’s also believed that we need each of these loves for a different reason.
Often our first is when we are young, in high school even. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children.
This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be.
Because in this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel.
It’s a love that looks right.
Falling In Love the 2nd Time: The Hard Love
The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation.
We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before.
Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.
With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should.
It’s the love that we wished was right.
Falling In Love the 3rd Time: The Love that Lasts
And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it.
This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are.
We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core.
It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true.
This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer.
It’s the love that just feels right.
Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is.
Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us.
And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all.
Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are.
But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones.
They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love.
But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not.
Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now.
What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love.
The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after.
And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.
The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.
“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown
Many of us have heard “all the talk” about soulmates and twin flames over the years. Smh. Truth is there’s FAR more to relationships than any of this. Far more! Every time I hear about the two I roll my eyes. Wake up people! Life is alot more complex! P.S.- Same thing for connecting with someone because of what horoscopes say. Blah, blah, blah. There’s still more to the story. I urge all of us to go deeper and be wiser!
Greetings. A few weeks ago I started leading storytime yoga classes for 3-6 year olds. Yoga poses, songs, affirmations, books. These are the books I’ll be using for the next few weeks. I’ll add more as the weeks go by.
My Beautiful Hair by Queen K
The Heart of the Dragon by Larry Trott (for older children)
In Love Consulting 